hpr4484 :: When Your Dentist Uses ChatControl Logic

Trollercoaster alerts us to the dangers of the proposed EU Chat Control legislation

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ChatControl, EU. (Be the first).

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general.

When Your Dentist Uses ChatControl Logic

So there I am, sitting in the waiting room with a mildly annoying toothache. Nothing catastrophic, just one of those dull throbs that tells you something's going on in there that could turn nasty if ignored. The receptionist calls my name, and I walk into Dr. ChatControl's office.

Dr. ChatControl greets me with a concerned expression. "I've reviewed your case," he says gravely, "and many others. Toothaches are a serious problem. Did you know that in 2023 alone, at least 101,988 people in Europe experienced dental pain? That's over 60% of all global dental complaints traced to this region."

"Okay," I say. "But I just need you to look at this one tooth"

"This is an epidemic," he interrupts. "And we can't just treat symptoms anymore. We need a comprehensive, mandatory risk assessment."

Dr. ChatControl pulls out a 47-page questionnaire. "First, we assess the risk that your mouth might develop cavities, gum disease, or oral cancer," he explained. "This applies to everyone, regardless of whether they have symptoms."

"But I have symptoms," I sigh. "That's why I'm here."

"Exactly!" he says triumphantly. Which means you're high-risk. So we move to Phase Two: mitigation measures."

He hands me a pamphlet titled Safety-by-Design for Oral Health . "From now on, you'll need to implement parental controls on your diet. Every candy will come with an age verification wrapper and user reporting mechanisms. so your teeth can flag potential problems, and verify your age before consuming any hard foods."

"I'm 38," I retort.

"Perfect," he replies. "That means you're old enough to consent to monitoring."

"Now," Dr. ChatControl continues, "since your mitigation measures haven't been implemented yet because you just got here - I'm authorized to issue a detection order." He holds up an official-looking document with a judge's signature. "This allows me to scan not just the tooth that hurts, but your entire mouth. Also your sinuses. And your lymph nodes. And, just to be thorough, everyone in the waiting room."

"Wait, what?" I blurt out.

"It's targeted," he assures me. "We're only scanning high-risk areas—which, according to our independent EU Dental Centre, is every tooth, every patient, all the time."

"But here's the clever part," Dr. ChatControl says, pulling out what looks like a tiny sander strapped to an airbrush.

"Well, your enamel contains layers that currently block our view with regards to early detection of certain viruses. So we need to replace the enamel with an optimized layer that perfectly protects against currently known sugars and acids but allows our government approved detection equipment to inspect the content of your teeth."

I' flabberghasted. "You want to weaken my enamel?"

"Only slightly!" he said cheerfully. "Just enough so that our scanner can monitor what's happening inside your teeth at all times. Don't worry,the new enamel will still protect you from everything else."

"How's that possible if you can penetrate it?", I continue, still cautious.

"Well, factory approved candies, for example," he says. "Reputable candy manufacturers have agreed to respect the adapted enamel and not penetrate it. They've signed a treaty to use optimized sugars."

"And the artisanal candies?" I asked.

"Ah," he said, adjusting his glasses. "Well, those are obviously illegal! Those criminals don't tend to honor treaties. So yes, the adapted enamel will make your teeth more vulnerable to unauthorized cavity formation, bacterial attacks, and anyone who wants to exploit the fact that your natural protection has been replaced with a see-through version."

"So you're making my teeth less secure," I repeat.

"We're making them more observable," he corrects, with a slightly annoyed tone. "There's a difference. Your teeth will still be protected, just not from us. Or hostile foreign candy shops. Or those criminal artisanal real-sugar-nuts. But you have no business there anyway. But they definitely protect against harms from law-abiding candy!"

"But... Over 500 leading dentists signed a letter saying this would create massive vulnerabilities", I point out.

"Those dentists aren't thinking about long term dental hygiene." Dr. ChatControl sighs dismissively. "Besides, it's not a backdoor if we're replacing your front door with a tinted glass door given all our citizens are law abiding!"

His tone gets sterner if he continues: "Let me say more, If you refuse to upgrade your enamel, we will consider you a risk of dental terrorism. This no longer is about only your teeth, you must know. If you choose to blatantly ignore your teeth, you are a threat to society!"

"But... The whole reason I am here, is because I care about my teeth..."

The docter holds up his machine and asks: "Do you want me to treat you or report you?"

Oh, whatever, it seems everybody is doing this. I don't want to be the outcast crying wolf all the time. So I cave in. The procedure doesn't feel painful, so that's a relief.

After completing the baseline scan, Dr. ChatControl frowns at the screen: "This is concerning," he says. "The system has flagged 8,412 potential cavities."

"But I only have 32 teeth," I wimper.

"The detection algorithm works on a probabilistic model," he explains. "Swiss dental authorities report that about 80% of automated cavity reports are false positives, so we'll need to investigate all of them."

"That still means 1,682 of those threats are real", I sigh.

"Which is still 1,682 too many!" Dr. ChatControl blurts. "Now, I'll need to drill exploratory holes in every tooth, in your gums, your tongue, and —just to be safe— your neighbor's mouth, because the system flagged them too when they walked past the waiting room."

"This seems insane," I say.

"The math is solid," he insists. "Even at 99.999% accuracy —which doesn't exist— we'd still generate 100,000 false dental alerts per day across Europe's 450 million people. But we can't let cavities win."

While Dr. ChatControl explains his flawless system, I notice how the tooth that actually is hurting —the one I came in to fix— is starting to abscess.

"Uh, Doctor," I say, pointing to the swelling.

"We'll get to that after we finish scanning everyone," he says dismissively. "The important thing is that no cavity goes undetected, even if that means we spend all our time investigating healthy teeth."

"But the actual problem is getting worse," I said.

"That's because sophisticated cavities have learned to evade detection," Dr. ChatControl explains. "They change their appearance slightly —maybe grow on the back of the tooth instead of the front, or hide under existing fillings. Our algorithms can't catch those."

"What about that letter from those 500 dentists? They also claim this detection method is technically infeasible." I try again.

"They're just not thinking big enough", the doctor blocks my argument.

"So here's the treatment plan," Dr. ChatControl says, "We're going to install a permanent scanning device in your jaw that monitors every tooth, 24/7, and reports any suspicious activity to a centralized EU Dental Database."

"That sounds like a massive security risk," I said.

"Not at all!" he replied. "The device is encrypted. Only our scanners can look behind your upgraded enamel. What leaves your tooth, is already encrypted. No other device than ours, can read the data, so your privacy is intact."

"So what about those knock-offs you can buy on Ali Express?" I ask.

"Oh, but they don't work reliably. And also: Why would hackers want access to your teeth?" he scoffed.

"Although, now that I think about it, the device itself would make a high-value target for malicious actors, Als they could abuse them to learn how to make knock-off candy that doesn't get detected by the scanners. Things your natural enamel obviously protects against. But let's not dwell on that."

"By the way," Dr. ChatControl adds casually, "EU politicians and government officials are exempt from this scanning requirement under 'professional dental secrecy.'"

"So their teeth don't get monitored?" I ask.

"Correct," he says. "Their oral health is a matter of public trust. Yours, however, requires constant surveillance."

"That seems like a double standard," I say.

"It's a two-tier system for a two-tier society," he replies pleasantly. "Now, shall we proceed with installing the jaw monitor?"

By this point, my actual toothache is developing into a full-blown infection. The pain is excruciating.

"Doctor, I need antibiotics and a root canal," I cry.

"We don't do targeted treatments anymore," Dr. ChatControl says. "That's the old model. Now we focus on comprehensive, mandatory monitoring."

"But I'm going to lose the tooth," I say.

"Perhaps," he acknowledges. "But while we were scanning everyone in the waiting room, we found three people with slightly suspicious molars! They're perfectly healthy now, but they could develop cavities someday. That's three potential problems prevented!"

"But my actual problem isn't being prevented," I point out. "It's getting worse."

"Well yes," he admits. "But we've invested so much in the scanning infrastructure that we can't really afford to do traditional dentistry anymore. The system needs to justify itself, you understand."

"This is insane," I repeat.

"This is progress ," he corrects me.

As I' left 'm leaving the office —untreated, in pain, and with a jaw full of surveillance equipment— I notice a sign on the door: "Signal Dental, Orthodontics Threema, and Proton Mouthcare have ceased operations in the EU due to incompatibility with mandatory scanning requirements."

Apparently, the dentists who actually know how to fix teeth without installing spyware have all moved to Switzerland.

Meanwhile, I hear the voice of Dr. ChatControl behind me in the waiting room, announcing to everyone: "We've successfully detected 6,847 potential cavities this week!" When someone asks what he means by potential, he quietly answers: "Only 11 were real, but that's 11 teeth saved!"

The infection is still spreading and I'll probably loose my tooth after all because nobody actually is treating it. But at least the healthy ones are under constant surveillance.

I made fun of it. But it's not funny. It's about wasting loads of money on a noble goal in all the wrong ways. But next week the vote will be cast in the EU. So it's high time to reach out to your MEP and ask their stance if they are undecided or worse - are in favor. Go to fightchatcontrol.eu if you live in Europe.

Oh, and if you don't live in Europe... This will also impact you. Because weakened encryption in mainstream products will most certainly spread.

Time to act

References and Sources used


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